What is in your way? Here's mine ...

On August 11 I will turn 60.

On Dec 15 2011 I hit the floor suddenly, out of the blue, no warning, from a burst brain aneurysm. After 7 hours of open brain surgery, and 3 weeks in intensive care, my family, including my terrified 12 year-old daughter, and stunned-by-fear 14 year old son, were told I would not die – (constant vaso-spasm meant I could die any moment until then).

Maybe that was ‘my time’. Maybe I was meant to die that day.

It was the third time I coulda /shoulda/ mighta lost my life. All brain/ head related.

1. Falling from a tree, age 11 onto brick paving & cracking my skull, in hospital for yonks with a subarachnoid haemorrhage.

2. Cerebral Malaria, age 28 - Can be fatal within 48 hours of symptom onset and Survivors often experience long-term neurological damage.

3. And then my aneurysm.

So, not surprisingly I questioned why I didn’t die; why I nearly died all those times. Was I meant to be here? Was there something I am meant to be doing – or is ‘all this’ ego-bullshit, and what happens to us is random?

Could be? Maybe not. Whatever the answer is, we all need to find our own way to live our own lives in a way that feels meaningful to us. Or not!

But for me – here I am 14 years later, still questioning and still trying to find peace with where I am. I always had a good brain, academic, quick, logical. Final year of school pure, applied maths, physics, chemistry, then a computer science degree.

And then, three injuries that individually could annihilate my brain function.

My family wanted me to stop. Everyone was afraid of my pushing. Nobody knew whether, if I kept working so hard, it would happen again.

I lost my ability to read, think, process - my pattern recognition was totally shot. My visual processing dangerously non-functioning. Working memory annihilated… motivating years of effort and rehab.

Did I go easy on myself? Did I cut myself any slack? – no bloody way.

Instead, I judged myself as a failure, my life as wasted, I blamed myself for squandering the gifts I had been given —

What gifts, and why did I?

I was born into relative privilege. Healthy. Smart. Strong, well-functioning body. Creative mind. Optimistic. A loving family. Always enough food. Education … and so much more.

So, what stopped me from ‘succeeding’, and feeling okay?

• Over-analysing

• Judgement

• Self-doubt

• Never feeling I am enough

• Fear of judgement and rejection

• Too much focus on the outcome

• Fear of being messy

• Believing the answers are out there

• Identifying with results, instead of embracing the journey

• …. and shame

In 2007 I delivered a TEDx St Kilda talk called My Story, Embracing the Myth of the Happy Ending. The idea I proposed is that it is the journey not the destination that we need to embrace. The need for resolution, for having the answers – ‘the happy ending’ – was what was stopping me from telling my stories, even though I was a storyteller by profession.

I proposed by the end of my TEDx Talk, that my triumph was that I am alive.

Here’s the script excerpt–

For all of us, in our own way, life is struggle. But – the one thing I would like you to take away from this little talk – is - do not be disheartened. The better way through this life is through acceptance, and understanding that the idea of a happy ending is just a Hollywood delusion. Live your life, and cherish all the big and small ups and downs, wins and losses. Live your life and love that you are lucky enough to be alive.

My triumph is that my life continues and this is the more authentic story.

But I still have not told my stories!

I still feel stressed, overwhelmed, scattered … agitated and distressed. I know I am not achieving anywhere near my capacity.

What is holding me back? What is stopping me?

• Over-analysing

• Judgement

• Self-doubt

• Never feeling I am enough

• Fear of judgement and rejection

• Too much focus on the outcome

• Fear of being messy

• Believing the answers are out there

• Identifying with results, instead of embracing the journey

• …. and shame

“My triumph is that my life continues and this is the more authentic story.”

There was something messy, or missing for me in the realm of the Hero’s Journey, where we accept, after having refused, a calling. We go through challenges, triumphs and defeats, we slay the dragons, survive the dark night of the soul… we receive wisdom from others and finally we break through, having learned the lessons. Then we complete the Hero’s Journey by returning to share what we learned, the Elixir, with the world.

I am a woman, and I do not identify as a hero.

Instead, the heroine's journey, though similar, is internal.

I still believe that our lives are a journey, with momentary wins and losses … and whether an ending is happy or not, to my mind, depends on when you decide to ‘end’ the story.

Because – in the end, we die. In a movie, if the lead character dies, this is usually seen as the worst thing.

Here’s a great demonstration of this idea–

The Chinese parable of the farmer and his horse, which is associated with Taoist philosophy and Lao Tzu, emphasizes that judging events as either good or bad can be premature, as their true impact may only be revealed over time.

A farmer’s horse runs away, his neighbours lament - oh no, that’s terrible. ‘Maybe; maybe not’, says the farmer.

The horse returns, the neighbours rejoice - ‘That’s great luck’. ‘Maybe; maybe not’, says the farmer.

When the farmer's son breaks his leg while riding the horse, the neighbours offer their condolences, ‘That’s terrible’ they say. But the farmer remains calm with his characteristic, ‘Maybe; maybe not’.

Ultimately, the son is spared from being drafted into the army due to his injury, and the neighbours praise the farmer's good luck, but he maintains his equanimity with the same response. ‘Maybe; maybe not’.

Back to my TEDx Talk. There are no happy endings and we must embrace the journey of life.

Sounds simple.

It is simple, but simple is not always easy. Simple can be the hardest thing, especially when you have a brain that races, dances, splits like fractals in all directions, deviates, distracts, complicates … compares and judges … all the time! (Generalisation, I know – so instead, let’s call this an approximation).

I had been broken.

Perhaps I needed to be broken because my armour was solid, and not serving me.

But the timing was …. difficult.

The cracks in my armour were broken at a time my brain was still reaching for previously-held capacity. My cognition failed me; and my primary mode of relating to the world was through my intelligence. (This is new information to my conscious mind).

Here’s a great example - to heal my brain I did a Master’s degree when I was still not well enough to work, a Cert 4 in training and assessment, hours a day on brain-training software like Brain HQ and Lumosity.

The opportunities I sought kept dying around me. My reason for doing the Cert4, was to work as a very part-time trainer of Film & TV production at Open Channel, but they lost funding in the same week I was certified. Job dead.

I applied for jobs – like at Film Victoria, now VicScreen, but was too afraid to come clean about my brain injury. Who would hire someone into an executive position with a brain injury? So of course I didn’t get a job, because the stress of the interview caused me so much fatigue – yep that’s an ABI thing, that I lost words and focus. I must have appeared vague, or not-smart-enough. Instead, Victoria gave the job to a Queenslander.

But you know what? – even all that is bullshit.

Relying on my brain, my intelligence, my laser sharp mind was a mask for my personal shame … to prove me worthy. (Please know, I had no idea of any of this).

So, when I lost my cognitive function, instead of accepting it, chilling out, taking things a bit easy, I worked just as hard on my brain recovery as I had on making movies, where I had stressed to the point of bursting my aneurysm.

Then, on the 4th July 2025 I had a realisation.

This realisation is not a happy ending … instead, it is a new beginning.

And this is the realisation…. I’m not being authentic. (I really truly honestly thought I was)

I’m living in fear of judgment… I’m living in shame and covering it up by trying too hard, working too hard, striving for perfection. And the big, ugly, shameful truth is that all of this is reflected in — and centred around — being ashamed of what I look like.

I thought it was the shame of looking old (sure it was/ is), but when I am honest with myself, I can see that I was worried, concerned, ashamed, even when I was young and beautiful.

My Heroine’s Journey is a journey back to self. To love, accept, appreciate, honour all aspects of myself and live from my authentic-self expressing herself in this world, unashamed, unapologetic.

And it starts with being okay to look … like this; a 60-year old woman who cares about health and growth and love and adventure … with little or no care for expensive, invasive, or time-consuming beauty treatments.

I have wrinkles and sags because I am a mature, wise woman who has lived life and has wisdom to share.

It seems I may have written something of a manifesto. Great! This new way of being starts today – so let’s see how the next chapter of my story unfolds.

I am not expecting this to be easy. I am expecting it will be liberating, transformational and challenging … just like life should be.

MY STORY: Challenging the myth of the Happy Ending | Andrea Buck | TEDxStKilda

If you can relate to any of this, and would like to chat please reach out by direct message, or send me a note via my website